Last Day on the Lake

Mom and Dad B wanted to take their boat out one last time this season. They opted to come over to Lake Monroe, which is always a great option in our opinion. We joined them Saturday and then again on Sunday afternoon with our friends the Russells. The high temp for both days was somewhere near 70, but the sun was shining so we put on our sweatshirts and braved the wind. It wasn't too bad on Saturday, but Sunday was much colder when the sun went behind the clouds. I did not opt to water ski, but Rob wakeboarded both days and Bethany and Andrew both took a turn waterskiing on Sunday. They were very brave! The water was actually warmer than the air they said, but I was not convinced. There were barely any other boats on the water, but we didn't see anyone else skiing! 

Liam was content to eat snacks as he usually does. Someone asked him at church how the boat ride was and all he talked about was eating rice cakes. I think he thinks the boat is a fount of snacks, but hey, if it keeps him happy, I'm cool with that! 

The one bummer was dad broke his thumb while unhooking the boat from the trailer. It swelled up huge and they went for x-rays in the evening to confirm it was in fact broken. Poor dad always seems to have something happen to him while we are on vacation! 

In between snacks he posed for a picture. 

Bethany and I with our boys. Caleb was not convinced the life jacket was a good idea! 

Family pic that of course involves snacks. 

Liam loves to help Boppy drive the boat. 

This is how Liam and I spent most of Sunday! 

What a stud. He loves to drive the boat. 

A very brave Rob! 

Saturday afternoon Rob and his dad golfed and we took Liam to the FREEZING pool. Mimi got in the pool with Liam and I sat on the edge. I'm not that great of a mom really. :) 

Brave Bethany skiing on Sunday. 

Besides snacks, Liam loves to watch other boats going "fast." He kept telling Boppy to go faster!

Before the boat is even in the water, he was dipping into the snacks. 

Liam + Caleb = life jacket buddies

Fruitfulness {and other Thoughts on Infertility}

My basil plant knows how to bear good fruit! 

Sunday was my 28th birthday. I woke up and the first "gift" I received was my period. The second "gift" was overwhelming sadness and tears. Usually I don't go too deep here on this little blog, but all of this has been rolling around in my head for a while now and it's time to share.

You see, we've been trying to conceive another baby for a year now. We actively started trying last September, never dreaming it would take this long. Considering that we got pregnant with Liam within the first month, we thought it would be no problem the second time around. Wrong. I know my body is physically capable of getting pregnant because of Liam and our miscarriage in May, but for whatever reason God in his sovereignty has not chosen to give us another child {besides the one we miscarried} up to this point.

I'd be lying if I told you it's been easy. It's actually been the deepest test of my faith and hope. There have been sweet moments in the midst of pain, but many tears and struggles too. Each month brings new hope, nervous days of waiting and then disappointment. I've tried taking a nonchalant attitude about it. "It will happen when it happens." I've tried an over-the-top control attitude. "We have to try today!!" I've prayed and talked to friends. I've had days of feeling like I am walking under a dark cloud.

However, God in his great mercy has been so faithful. Yes, there are dark moments I can't deny. Yes, I struggle to understand why God is not giving us another child right now. Yes, I am often fearful. But God has not left. He has drawn me closer to himself and has given me a deeper understanding of what he requires of me.

And that's what I wanted to share today. This isn't a pity party for me or a way to make all my pregnant friends feel guilty or feel like they can't share their news with me. This is about publicly glorifying God and giving others out there struggling with any kind of infertility some help and hope. I've noticed infertility isn't something many people talk about so I thought it would be helpful to start by sharing my own journey. 

And so, some thoughts:

- This is not about us. Yes, it feels like it is. It feels all-consuming. It feels like God always says "no." It's not about us. It's all about God glorifying himself through us and our struggles. {This goes for any trial by the way.} It's about us learning to have a knockdown, drag out fight with the idols of our hearts; the things we want more than anything. It's about us being content to cling to Christ and be satisfied with him no matter what season of life we are in. It's about knowing that we will still sin in the midst of this trial, but Christ has conquered sin and the grave and we can walk in freedom. Much, much easier said than done, {I know!} but it is possible. How is that possible you ask?

- Go to the Word and pray. The wellspring of life. Ask the Lord to give you Scripture you can cling to in those dark moments. Some that have helped me are James 1:2-12, Romans 5 and Psalm 27:13-14. I believe God has specifically given me Psalm 27:13-14 for this trial. It says, "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" This has been my prayer. That I would have courage to wait upon the goodness of the Lord, knowing that no matter what happens with us and children, all things are from his hand.

- Talk to good friends/pastors/pastors wives, etc. This has been the hardest thing for me in the midst of this year. It's ironic I know that I'm posting this blog for the world to see, but that is only because recently I've opened up to friends about this struggle. My season of life means I'm around a lot, a lot of babies and pregnant friends. It seems every day someone else I know is announcing a pregnancy or having a baby. This is an excellent opportunity to harbor tremendous bitterness. Whew. That bitterness will destroy you. Kill it before it gets deeper. Confess this bitterness to God and someone else, pray against it the moment you feel it rising up and repent when you know the bitterness got the best of you. I know, easier said than done, especially for me, but we have to keep going. Through confession, repentance, prayer, Scripture, etc. you will get to a place where you can truly rejoice with friends who tell you they're pregnant. 

Ok, back to talking to friends. Remember you are not alone! Other women have or are walking through this. I talked with a good friend who recommended the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. In brief, this is a book that teaches you the signs of your body for pregnancy achievement or natural birth control. It is so helpful! I wish someone had told me about it years ago. I know God is the one who opens and closes wombs; consider Hannah, Rachel, Leah and Ruth. Keeping that in mind, I don't believe God wanted us to be in the dark about what is happening in our bodies and that is where a book like this can be helpful. That's a whole other blog post, but I'd love to talk more about the book and her method if you're curious. 

- Cultivate fruitfulness. It sounds like a funny old fashioned thing to say, but hear me out. We are so grateful to go to a church that preaches fruitfulness from the pulpit. What do I mean by this? I mean taking the command from Genesis "to be fruitful and multiply" and following it. Yes, that means our church is packed with kids! We currently have 90 kids under age six in a membership of about 350 people. Praise God! We delight in our children. Again, I'm thankful for that teaching, but in the midst of infertility, that can be rough. Here's the thing I'm learning though: fruitfulness is not just about children. Yes, that is a crucial part, but fruitfulness extends to all areas of life. Remember the fruit of the Spirit? That is the fruit we must be cultivating at all times. Christians are to be known by the fruit of our lives (Matt. 7:15-20) because it looks different than the fruit of the world. This may not seem all that revolutionary to you, but I've been rolling this around in my mind the past few days and it feels so freeing! It feels like I have something to set my hands and mind to. It's giving me questions like, where am I bearing or not bearing the fruit of the Spirit? Am I seeing fruit in Liam's life as I work with him and discipline him? Am I being obedient to God in order to bear fruit? These questions and more are helping me to understand fruitfulness in a more global sense, rather than only about child bearing. This is useful for not letting bitterness, resentment and disobedience grow in my heart towards God month after month that I am not pregnant. When you or I am so focused on the trouble of getting pregnant and bearing the fruit of children, it can be easy to dwell on it all the time, become bitter or wallow in self-pity and lose track of other crucial aspects of Christian fruitfulness in the church or in the home.  We are also wives and sisters in the church. As Christian women, we are called to bear children and be fruitful with our wombs, or at least try to. But it’s more than that. Sometimes Christian women are involuntarily barren for a time or forever, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are fruitless or disobedient to God’s commands. Fruitfulness is also a mentality and an attitude of obedience to God in this area. If your womb is barren, it doesn't mean you’re disobedient (unless you’re purposefully barren), but it is in God’s control. Furthermore, as a godly woman, you will find ways to care for children around you, whether you do or do not have children from your own womb. It could be adoption, or it could be caring for the children of other women, which takes the focus off of oneself. In summary, raising and bearing children is a crucial part of being a godly woman. The Bible commands us to do it! But fruitfulness doesn't end there. By the Spirit it should overflow from us into our churches and communities.  

- Finally, be thankful. Be thankful for life. Be thankful that you have strength to get out of bed in the morning. Be thankful whether you do or do not have children. Be thankful for your husband who walks beside you. Be thankful for the deepening of your faith through trials. Be thankful for mercies that are new every morning. Be thankful for hard work that doesn't allow you to be lazy. There is much to be thankful for! In the midst of infertility {or again, whatever trial you are going through} there is great temptation to draw inward and be self-absorbed. Fight that with thankfulness and service to others. Service to others always takes the focus off of self. Thankfulness also takes the focus off yourself and directs it to the Giver of Life. Yes, I know, it's hard to be thankful on a morning when you wake up with crushing disappointment. This is not something that will happen overnight. Like cultivating the fruit of the spirit, cultivating a thankful heart takes time. Start small and keep going. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Phil. 4:6-7

I hope you understand that most of this blog post has been preaching to myself. Writing this out over the past few days and thinking over it has been very freeing. However, there is sin and the temptation to despair around every corner, in every moment of the day. I do not know what the future holds as far as more children for us. That is my prayer -- to have a house full of them -- but perhaps they will not come from my womb. I do not know, but I do know the One who holds the future and my hand and Him I will trust in all things.

Thanks for reading and thanks for praying for us. If you're interested, I would love to talk more and pray for you if I can. Leave a comment and I'll get in touch.

Words I Say and Hear

Yesterday I was struck by how often I say the same things over and over and hear the same things over and over when I'm home with Liam. 

For example... 

"Liam, you may not throw golf balls in the house." 

"Liam, climb down off the table." 

"You must obey cheerfully!" 

"Mama will come and read books to you!" 

"No, you may not look at pictures of Liam on mama's phone." 

"I love you!" 

Then there are the things he says...

"Look mama!" 

"Play outside with Peter and Wusy!" (Or Lucy, our neighbor kids)

"Snack time!"  Or breakfast, lunch or supper time...

"Go outside, pick taebos!" (or tomatoes off our plant) 

"Yes, mama!" 

"A digger!" (Or garbage truck, skid steer, excavator, dump truck, backhoe loader, tractor, etc. And yes, he can differentiate between all those!) 

He is picking up new words, new thoughts, new ways of expressing himself daily. I realized as I listened to myself speak how much he repeats and mimics me. Our home is pretty much his whole world (besides church, the grocery store and Wonderlab apparently). In many ways I am his whole world and the words I speak to him are shaping his world. He picks up on my tone, my attitude, etc. 

As a mother my job is to teach him and raise him in the fear and admonition of the Lord. I must ask myself constantly, is my speech pointing him to Christ? Is my attitude when he wakes up early or he disobeys a cheerful or grumpy one? Am I glad to discipline him, understanding that this discipline is training him to obey God? Am I giving him love through words and actions throughout the day? 

Our words are powerful and even at a young age Liam knows that. He may not fully understand, but what we are teaching him now will have an impact on his life. I pray when he is older he remembers a mama and papa who disciplined him faithfully, taught him the scriptures and who God is, pointed him to Christ and loved him deeply. 

Pesto!

My garden basil plants

Two blog posts in the same week! Aren't you all impressed? When you read this post and realize how amazing this pesto is you will understand why I couldn't want another day to share it with you. 

You know I often have challenges making new things and pesto was no different. Back when we were first married I tried it and it was awful. It tasted like grass, no joke. A few years passed and I met my dear friend Bethany who made amazing pesto. I grew a ton of basil and attempted her recipe. Oh my. There was no going back. What is the difference? The difference is pine nuts vs. walnuts. Yup. No kidding. Most pesto recipes use pine nuts, but because Bethany is the queen of cheap she substituted walnuts because they are wayyy cheaper than pine nuts. Walnuts are much richer and have more {good} fat so it makes a smoother pesto than wimpy pine nuts. 

There are two wonderful things about pesto. One: it is super heart healthy. You wonder how something so delicious could be good for you, but it is! It is packed with raw basil, olive oil, garlic and walnuts. Hello happy belly and happy heart! Two: it is so versatile. I could eat it by the spoonful, but we also eat it on crackers with cheese, in grilled cheese sandwiches, on pasta, on hamburgers, as a dip, etc. We have to be a little more careful because Liam is allergic to walnuts, but eats almost everything we do. Just consider that before you give it to someone as a gift.  

Now that you're salivating, I'll give you the recipe and then step by step {with pictures!}. 

Bethany's Pesto

1 1/2 c. shelled walnuts

3 c. fresh basil

4 garlic cloves

1 c. olive oil

1/4 c. grated Parmesan cheese

1/2 to 3/4 tsp. salt (depending on your taste preference) 

Dash of pepper

Start with your walnuts in your blender, food processor or whatever you use. I prefer my smaller immersion blender because it's easier clean up (and my real blender is broken...) Grind the nuts until they are fine. 

Next, add your garlic cloves and cheese. Process until blended and garlic is chopped up. 

Add half of the basil and pour a 1/2 cup of olive oil over it. Blend all this together. Don't worry if it doesn't all blend smoothly. You'll get there when you add the rest of the olive oil. Once that is well blended as it can be, add the rest of the basil and olive oil. Blend until it looks like this: 

Add the salt and pepper and give it one more blend. Grab a chip or cracker and try it. You may find you like yours a little more or less salty or cheesy. Add to taste. It will taste very salty at first, but it will mellow after a few days and when you add it to food it loses some of its saltiness. 

Pour it into little jars (or big jars depending how much you make) and put it in the freezer or fridge. If kept in the fridge for awhile it may need to be stirred as the oils tend to separate. Most likely you won't keep it around that long! 

And, if you have lots of freezer space, this would make the most darling Christmas gift. Tie it with a red bow and you have given someone the gift of summer for Christmas. {Sigh.} Someday I will have a big freezer! 

I hope you are with me in holding on to a little bit more of summer with this delicious recipe. Enjoy! 

James + Leanna

This past weekend I had the joy of celebrating the marriage of my dear friend Leanna Kelton to her groom, James Herr. It was one of those weddings that you keep thinking about long after it's over. Not just because of the gorgeous details {there were those} or the food {hello, steak}, but because the couple glorified God in their union. Besides myself, I'm not sure if I've met two people who were so ready to get married. Ready as in they prepared well beforehand. Ready as in they knew what they are getting into. Ready as in they kept themselves pure for one another. Every moment was meaningful, gracious and beautiful. James had this huge smile all weekend and Leanna just glowed. I've been praying for many years that she would find the right man for her and this weekend was a prayer answered. I was honored to be there and get to take part as a bridesmaid. 

She was stunning! One of my favorite moments of the whole weekend was after her sisters and mom helped her put on her dress privately and then all the bridesmaids could come in and see her. I'm pretty sure I gasped because she was so beautiful! It wasn't just her dress either, although it was gorgeous, it was her countenance and the way she carried herself. What an incredible picture of the bride preparing herself for her groom, dressed in purity and love. 

Gorgeous!

It was fun to reconnect with some Taylor girls, Bekah and Casey. 

An adorable detail from the day {Pintrest I'm sure!}. One of the little ring bearers carried this down the aisle. I think Liam should do this at Lauren's wedding in June! 

All the colors were so pretty and vibrant, especially Leanna's bouquet. 

This picture makes me laugh because Leanna is definitely dancing while we were waiting. She was so relaxed all weekend which is always great to be around as a bridesmaid. 

Six of the eight bridesmaids

A little grainy, but you can't miss that grin while he watched his bride come down the aisle.

Lovely bridesmaid attire. 

This was their guestbook. I loved how different it was and how fun that will be to hang in their house. 

More details. Her mom made all the paper fans that decorated the day. 

The reception was at this huge glass greenhouse in Carmel. The Lord was merciful and held off the rain for pictures, but it did rain during the reception. It wasn't a big deal though because the whole thing was glass and no one really needed to be outside. 

Cutting the cake. This picture also shows another fun detail with the paper lanterns up above. 

So happy!

First dance as husband and wife

I still can't believe it's been four years since we were doing this! 

A lemonade bar! 

We all look a little strange in this photo, but at least I got one with the happy couple before they left.

James and Leanna, we wish you many, many years of joy together! May the Lord richly bless you. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch {err, Boppy and Mimi's house}, Liam had a wonderful weekend as well. He was "as good as gold" they told us, which is always a relief to hear when you are away from your kid. He has all kinds of fun toys that live at their house, but this time they took it up a notch and took him to a place called EnterTrainment, which I'm sure, is where all amazing trains live. Thomas was there, but there were trains to ride on, trains to play on, trains to watch, train tables, giant climbing equipment, you name it. He has not stopped talking about the "train place" since he got home. I missed him a lot, but he didn't miss us very much apparently. Although it was so sweet when we picked him up he was so happy to see us and just wanted us to snuggle him. Melt my heart. 

'All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...' 

Riding his new "Harley"

Riding the train 

Watching the trains with Boppy. I'm told that the red buttons allow you to move whichever train you want. 

They were going to go swimming Sunday morning {hence the cool shorts} but it was raining so when Mimi asked Liam what he wanted to do, he said "Go to train place." And away they went for a second time!