Fruitfulness {and other Thoughts on Infertility}

My basil plant knows how to bear good fruit! 

Sunday was my 28th birthday. I woke up and the first "gift" I received was my period. The second "gift" was overwhelming sadness and tears. Usually I don't go too deep here on this little blog, but all of this has been rolling around in my head for a while now and it's time to share.

You see, we've been trying to conceive another baby for a year now. We actively started trying last September, never dreaming it would take this long. Considering that we got pregnant with Liam within the first month, we thought it would be no problem the second time around. Wrong. I know my body is physically capable of getting pregnant because of Liam and our miscarriage in May, but for whatever reason God in his sovereignty has not chosen to give us another child {besides the one we miscarried} up to this point.

I'd be lying if I told you it's been easy. It's actually been the deepest test of my faith and hope. There have been sweet moments in the midst of pain, but many tears and struggles too. Each month brings new hope, nervous days of waiting and then disappointment. I've tried taking a nonchalant attitude about it. "It will happen when it happens." I've tried an over-the-top control attitude. "We have to try today!!" I've prayed and talked to friends. I've had days of feeling like I am walking under a dark cloud.

However, God in his great mercy has been so faithful. Yes, there are dark moments I can't deny. Yes, I struggle to understand why God is not giving us another child right now. Yes, I am often fearful. But God has not left. He has drawn me closer to himself and has given me a deeper understanding of what he requires of me.

And that's what I wanted to share today. This isn't a pity party for me or a way to make all my pregnant friends feel guilty or feel like they can't share their news with me. This is about publicly glorifying God and giving others out there struggling with any kind of infertility some help and hope. I've noticed infertility isn't something many people talk about so I thought it would be helpful to start by sharing my own journey. 

And so, some thoughts:

- This is not about us. Yes, it feels like it is. It feels all-consuming. It feels like God always says "no." It's not about us. It's all about God glorifying himself through us and our struggles. {This goes for any trial by the way.} It's about us learning to have a knockdown, drag out fight with the idols of our hearts; the things we want more than anything. It's about us being content to cling to Christ and be satisfied with him no matter what season of life we are in. It's about knowing that we will still sin in the midst of this trial, but Christ has conquered sin and the grave and we can walk in freedom. Much, much easier said than done, {I know!} but it is possible. How is that possible you ask?

- Go to the Word and pray. The wellspring of life. Ask the Lord to give you Scripture you can cling to in those dark moments. Some that have helped me are James 1:2-12, Romans 5 and Psalm 27:13-14. I believe God has specifically given me Psalm 27:13-14 for this trial. It says, "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" This has been my prayer. That I would have courage to wait upon the goodness of the Lord, knowing that no matter what happens with us and children, all things are from his hand.

- Talk to good friends/pastors/pastors wives, etc. This has been the hardest thing for me in the midst of this year. It's ironic I know that I'm posting this blog for the world to see, but that is only because recently I've opened up to friends about this struggle. My season of life means I'm around a lot, a lot of babies and pregnant friends. It seems every day someone else I know is announcing a pregnancy or having a baby. This is an excellent opportunity to harbor tremendous bitterness. Whew. That bitterness will destroy you. Kill it before it gets deeper. Confess this bitterness to God and someone else, pray against it the moment you feel it rising up and repent when you know the bitterness got the best of you. I know, easier said than done, especially for me, but we have to keep going. Through confession, repentance, prayer, Scripture, etc. you will get to a place where you can truly rejoice with friends who tell you they're pregnant. 

Ok, back to talking to friends. Remember you are not alone! Other women have or are walking through this. I talked with a good friend who recommended the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. In brief, this is a book that teaches you the signs of your body for pregnancy achievement or natural birth control. It is so helpful! I wish someone had told me about it years ago. I know God is the one who opens and closes wombs; consider Hannah, Rachel, Leah and Ruth. Keeping that in mind, I don't believe God wanted us to be in the dark about what is happening in our bodies and that is where a book like this can be helpful. That's a whole other blog post, but I'd love to talk more about the book and her method if you're curious. 

- Cultivate fruitfulness. It sounds like a funny old fashioned thing to say, but hear me out. We are so grateful to go to a church that preaches fruitfulness from the pulpit. What do I mean by this? I mean taking the command from Genesis "to be fruitful and multiply" and following it. Yes, that means our church is packed with kids! We currently have 90 kids under age six in a membership of about 350 people. Praise God! We delight in our children. Again, I'm thankful for that teaching, but in the midst of infertility, that can be rough. Here's the thing I'm learning though: fruitfulness is not just about children. Yes, that is a crucial part, but fruitfulness extends to all areas of life. Remember the fruit of the Spirit? That is the fruit we must be cultivating at all times. Christians are to be known by the fruit of our lives (Matt. 7:15-20) because it looks different than the fruit of the world. This may not seem all that revolutionary to you, but I've been rolling this around in my mind the past few days and it feels so freeing! It feels like I have something to set my hands and mind to. It's giving me questions like, where am I bearing or not bearing the fruit of the Spirit? Am I seeing fruit in Liam's life as I work with him and discipline him? Am I being obedient to God in order to bear fruit? These questions and more are helping me to understand fruitfulness in a more global sense, rather than only about child bearing. This is useful for not letting bitterness, resentment and disobedience grow in my heart towards God month after month that I am not pregnant. When you or I am so focused on the trouble of getting pregnant and bearing the fruit of children, it can be easy to dwell on it all the time, become bitter or wallow in self-pity and lose track of other crucial aspects of Christian fruitfulness in the church or in the home.  We are also wives and sisters in the church. As Christian women, we are called to bear children and be fruitful with our wombs, or at least try to. But it’s more than that. Sometimes Christian women are involuntarily barren for a time or forever, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are fruitless or disobedient to God’s commands. Fruitfulness is also a mentality and an attitude of obedience to God in this area. If your womb is barren, it doesn't mean you’re disobedient (unless you’re purposefully barren), but it is in God’s control. Furthermore, as a godly woman, you will find ways to care for children around you, whether you do or do not have children from your own womb. It could be adoption, or it could be caring for the children of other women, which takes the focus off of oneself. In summary, raising and bearing children is a crucial part of being a godly woman. The Bible commands us to do it! But fruitfulness doesn't end there. By the Spirit it should overflow from us into our churches and communities.  

- Finally, be thankful. Be thankful for life. Be thankful that you have strength to get out of bed in the morning. Be thankful whether you do or do not have children. Be thankful for your husband who walks beside you. Be thankful for the deepening of your faith through trials. Be thankful for mercies that are new every morning. Be thankful for hard work that doesn't allow you to be lazy. There is much to be thankful for! In the midst of infertility {or again, whatever trial you are going through} there is great temptation to draw inward and be self-absorbed. Fight that with thankfulness and service to others. Service to others always takes the focus off of self. Thankfulness also takes the focus off yourself and directs it to the Giver of Life. Yes, I know, it's hard to be thankful on a morning when you wake up with crushing disappointment. This is not something that will happen overnight. Like cultivating the fruit of the spirit, cultivating a thankful heart takes time. Start small and keep going. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Phil. 4:6-7

I hope you understand that most of this blog post has been preaching to myself. Writing this out over the past few days and thinking over it has been very freeing. However, there is sin and the temptation to despair around every corner, in every moment of the day. I do not know what the future holds as far as more children for us. That is my prayer -- to have a house full of them -- but perhaps they will not come from my womb. I do not know, but I do know the One who holds the future and my hand and Him I will trust in all things.

Thanks for reading and thanks for praying for us. If you're interested, I would love to talk more and pray for you if I can. Leave a comment and I'll get in touch.